randomness

ventilation

2005-12-02T12:07:00.000-08:00

ok so maybe Im just whining, but Im so tired of people!!

here's what I am exhausted from... trying to please people........... I KNOW that you cannot please everyone, but at the same time, you dont want to dissapoint people, you dont want to make people upset right? It just seems like everyone wants something from you.... everyone EXPECTS something out of you, and to be quited honest Im just FED UP!!!

I know in my job, there is some STUPID God AWFUL steriotype that I am supposed to stop and drop everything for EVERYONE!!! Its hard enough to get my job done day by day with normal regularly scheduled tasks, but then theres all these other folks that MUST have the nerve to think that I sit around on my butt all day and look pretty!!! WAKE UP PEOPLE!!! Seriously.... what do I have to do to make them understand that the world DOES not stop for them????!!!! That I have bad days too, I have a personal life ( which I cant seem to please those people either) and I still only work 8 hours a day... (and that's actually not supposed to be 8, I was hired and am paid for 7!!!!!!!!)
How can I tell people that you will be added to the EXHAUSTED list of things that I have to do... and who made my "office" and my desk into a FREAKING trash pile????????? Just because the church has decided to hand out 350 devotionals to the families and have a garage sale tomorrow does NOT mean that my office becomes the FREAKIN COLLECTION POINT.... hello??? EVER HEARD OF A BOX???

I do like my job for the most part and for whatever reason, God has called me here... Im just frustrated and its been building for about 5 months, ever since my BOSS, decided he was leaving.

Just needed to vent.

what to say??

2005-09-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

Soooooo
OBVIOUSLY its been a while!!

I dont really know where to start!
Life has been very busy with work, friends, minstry, work!!
Im finally in the area of ministry that I know the Lord has called me to, but then theres always drama, which I know is to be expected in most church settings, but it would be really nice if it would let up! *Lord, are you listening? I do really like my job, but it has certainly been a challenge and a time of stretching!!

that's all Ive got for now...Ill try to get back sometime!!
Blessings,
Emily

From Pain to Purpose

2005-07-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 12:7-10
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

"A basic leadership principle says, "Go with your strengths" - take what you already do well and put even more energy into developing it. Yet God specializes in using our weaknesses to further his purposes. The apostle Paul had some sort of "thorn in the flesh," likely a physical weakness that God used to teach Paul to depend on him."-1 Minute Bible for Business Professionals
+ + + + + + + + + ++ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

The above verse was actually prayed over me yesterday at our staff meeting. I almost burst into tears as Kraig prayed "Lord let Emily glory in her weakness, because it is there that YOU are made strong."

To think that I am missing out on an opportunity to make God's name greater in the midst of my weakness. I know I cant really stop Him being glorified, but I sure can miss the mark and the purpose of what is going on with my health. It IS an opportunity- and a great one to GLORY in HIS name! *and yes for the record, this is very very hard for me to think about doing.

With the Lord being made stong in our weakness, is He not strengthening

US in the midst of it all?

Just something to think about! Where is the LORD being made strong in Your life today?

Moved

2005-06-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

“I ran out of gas and my grandchildren are out in the car, Is there any way that you could help me?”….. (Followed by streams of tears on a sweet wrinkled face.)

My heart was so deeply moved at that moment. Had I not been in a cast I would have hurdled my desk to engulf this woman with a sympathetic hug. She said “since my husband died it’s just been so hard and I keep praying to God but I just feel like He isn’t listening.” I replied, “give me 5 min and I will PROVE to you that GOD IS listening.” I spoke with her for a few min and then made a call to the gentleman who handles the benevolence cases for the church… he was on his way! In the meantime I sent her out to her car so that the rest of her family ( a little boy, a little girl, and her daughter* their mom) to come inside out of the heat. I went to grab Kraig * a co-worker to have him come and pray over their family.

In the adjacent room, Toby, the copy machine guy, overheard and saw the lady in tears as she spilled her request to me. When she went to her car he came into my office and asked what was up. I told him about the situation and he simply said “that’s so sad”, A few min, later Toby was finished with the repairs he asked if there was a bank nearby and he said he would be back in a few min. When he returned he slipped me a $20 and said to give it to the family!The family walked away with money for gas and a voucher for food. The following morning the lady called me to see what time 2 of our ministries that offer assistance would be open and I heard the tears in her gentle voice when she said to me “ the kids were so happy last night, they had food to eat and then they went right to bed and slept so good because their bellies were full.”
They stopped by to visit the clothes closet later and the food pantry here at the church. I know that they left with SACKS full of clothes for each of them and you could tell that they were very excited about what they had found and the 2 G-normous boxes of food that they carried out to the car!

As they left, I was given a thank you note that I did not dare to read until I got home for fear of the tears that would saturate my face. It was simply beautiful to hear the words of thankfulness and gratitude to “know that there are still good people left in the world”

My reply to all of this is: 1. God is Good!
2. I LOVE MY JOB!

miss independent

2005-06-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance
Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss on her own
Miss almost grown

yeah that's me Miss independent..... well at least it USED to be!
I feel like all I do is ask for help now and then when I dont, I get bossed around!
What's a girl to do?? I just cant win! Its really hard for me to be so dependent. Ive been independent since I was 3! That's what mom has always said... that's also why I got the "leash" ( a contraption that went around my wrist connecting me to mom) whenever we went to wal mart or to the mall. I wasnt afraid of doing my OWN shopping!! Now I feel so helpless since I cant really do anything, cant go shopping really.... or carry a diet dr pepper into work that is not in a can tucked into my bag.

Ok so maybe I am making a bigger deal out of this than I should be, but sometimes it just bugs me..... Ill get over it though... one of these days!

Dont worry I am already pulling spiritual lessons out of this situation and how independent that I have a tendency to be..... yadda yadda yadda!

internal settings

2005-06-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you are running in default mode?
You get up.... go to work....... go home........... watch tv........... go to bed?
ok that's all I really had to say about that!! LOL

I just wanted to post and say that I am feeling better about the situations at hand.... Im just trying to focus less on them, after all, I cant really do anything about them anyways. Well not all of them at least!

God totally got a hold of me last night in the middle of a song and said HELLO, you arent being desperate for me!! yeah kinda hate that when He has to shake my shoulders like that! But I did respond, I SHUT UP!!

Im looking forward to tomorrow. just getting away for a little bit... ROAD TRIP!! WOO HOO!! then I get to come work on my office at the church... its such a gigantic mess! Im really excited to get it all organized and cleaned up!!

Have a great weekend anda remember to not always live life in default mode!! :)

junk

2005-06-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

So since it has been a while and a lot of life has happened in that time, Im updating. I have to be honest, Im a little worried about my current state….. I don’t really want to be around people all that much and I don’t really want to talk to people. You could argue that I suppose with the fact that I have been talking to Jeremy and stuff, but that seems to be different, I suppose because when he and I have been talking I can focus on what’s going on with him and talk about ministry… therefore getting the focus off the state at which I am in currently. I don’t want to sound so down or be all sad and crap, but if I am going to be genuine and honest here, then I suppose that IS the way that I feel. I try to focus on the good and the positive but its been extremely difficult. I’m coming up on the one year anniversary of the robbery and thoughts about that have been really hard to deal with, That was just a start to the HELL that I have been through over the past year. Yes there have been good times, even some great ones…. But hey, you know what it feels like to be down don’t you? Those good times seem so very small and insignificant in the grand scheme of the pain.

I swear that Im really trying to think upward but its just not happening. Im scared by the things that I feel, I don’t want to feel this way at all, but I don’t know what to do to make it stop.

Please pray for this spirit of discouragement to be lifted from me and for divine HEALING for my foot.

Its a brand new day! (thoughts from the first day at my new job!).....

2005-05-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me…. Psalm 138:8

This is the word the Lord showed me as I began my time with Him this morning! I got goose bumps as I read that! He’s just so GOOD!

I arrived at my first day of a new job, with an excited heart and a spring in my step, if that’s possible with a boot cast!
I spent most of the morning talking with the Minister of Education/Administration (Kraig) and we talked about me, the job, expectations, etc. The best thing I heard all day, and what penetrates my heart, even now, were these words…. “Emily, we want you to soar in this position” “We want you to be able to develop your gifts even more as you serve in this ministry!”
I was so overwhelmed by that statement, Kraig had so, read my mail! That is what I have been praying for since I surrendered to ministry 8 years ago!

Other things that excited me today, they don’t want me to ever feel like I am in prison while I am there, and they want me to “live life while I am in the office”
I am free to be CREATIVE!
They will always listen to my ideas!
They really want my input on things!
I can wear jeans!I can email! Without looking over my shoulder!I can answer and make calls on my cell phone without leaving the office!
They are a support system, there for me as an individual first, and then as a fellow minister for the LORD!

Seriously, words cannot fully express the joy in my heart that I feel about this new opportunity!

When I got off, I called my mom to tell her about my day and, almost in tears, she said, “Emily, you sound so much better! You sound like yourself again!” That thrilled my heart! To think that I had been under so much stress from my other job that I sounded like a different person after ONE day in a new place. WOW!

The words from an awesome song keep replaying in my mind……….

“Overwhelmed by YOUR glory,
and I fall before YOU!”

Spritual Discipline... OF WAITING??!!

2005-05-17T00:15:00.000-07:00

Be Still and know that I am God..... Psalm 46:10

If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God.

That is from a little book that I have.... I ripped the page out the day I read it and taped it to a mirror. Reading it today gives me cold chills. When I read it the first time, I thought, gee I guess all the pain, abuse, stress that I am going through currently will be OK one of these days. But today, it is something that I can say I have journeyed through. I have lived through the great stress of waiting on God, not only in the situation, but in others and I KNOW that I will tread those waters again! To see that my dreams and the calling of God manifested in my life, and to see it now and know how pure it is, I am just in awe!

I pray that as you have just read those words, that you would rest in the Lord. In the middle of stress with jobs, school, relationship decisions, family issues, looking for a mate, whatever stress that you have, that you would trust in the Lord, that HE is paving the way for your dreams and your goals, perfecting and purifying not only YOU, but the situation as well!

Divine Appointment!

2005-05-16T19:52:00.000-07:00

“You created nothing that gives me more pleasure than You, and You wont give me something that gives me more pleasure than You.”

I sang those words to the Lord Sunday afternoon. As the words rolled off my tongue, a little bit of Holy Fear crept into my heart and mind. Oh Lord, please don’t let me put ANYTHING into my life that will lead me to think that it gives me more pleasure than YOU!

I was about to leave the house for an interview and I was afraid, at that moment that b/c of what I had just said, would “hinder” me from getting the position! What if I was putting this whole thing in front of my desire for the Lord? What if I wanted to work for God, in Ministry somewhere MORE than I wanted to fall deeper in love with Him? What if all I wanted was contentment from something and I had walked past the Lord offering that to me and went looking for a job?

The Lord definitely got me pondering some thoughts through those lyrics, but I also felt perfect peace about the situation. Just the sheer presence of His gentle reassurance calmed my deepest fears. I don’t know that I have ever wanted to be in a position more than I did this one!

Jude 1:24 (*proceed to read this with power!)
ALL GLORY TO GOD WHO IS ABLE TO KEEP YOU FROM STUMBLING AND WHO WILL BRING YOU INTO HIS GLORIOUS PRESENCE INNOCENT OF SIN AND WITH GREAT JOY!

God has made me for HIS GLORY! He is the only one able to keep me from stumbling over my words, He has brought me into His presence….. I had a lady pray for me and the interview Sunday at church and one of the things she said to me was, Emily, God has already gone before you, He’s already been there in the meeting for YOU! Innocent of sin….. have I , do I SIN, heavens yes, but HE has cleansed me, made me beautiful and INNOCENT! With GREAT JOY! Another beautiful thing that this amazing woman spoke over me was that all I needed when I walked into that meeting was to show the JOY of the Lord in my life. That struck me as it might be a very hard thing since I feel like I don’t have a lot of joy lately…. But she reminded me of my beauty and that I DID have the Joy of the Lord!!

As I read the official offer from the Church, I began to weep! Sometimes I am so amazed at what other people see in me..... and how good it is to KNOW that it's not about me, just a reflection of a GREAT and MAGNIFICENT God who has chosen to draw me to Himself!

HE'S JUST SO GREAT!!

Can you see me beaming yet??

Thank you Lord, for the calling you have placed over me, its not I who is qualified for any task at hand, for any ministry that you have laid upon my heart, But Lord I praise you for the desires that you placed in my heart and for creating me perfect, in your eyes! God I plead that you help me, grow me into the woman that you so desire me to be! May you be the centre of all that I proceed to do at Redbud BC! And thanks for being there first!

2nd mile living

2005-05-13T00:37:00.000-07:00

Ive thought a lot about second mile living this week. I have tried to implement it into everyday life throughout theweek. Of course the hardest part of this is applying it to work. I feel like I have gone far beyond the second mile! I think I am well into the final lap of mile 5! FOR REAL!
as for other areas of my life, I think I am striving for that extra mile in ministry and relationships.

Another thing that I have looked for is how others are exhibiting second or even first mile living. H has this week, not getting irritated with me while I was on the PC in her room late and by going with me for my MRI. Jes, listening to me vent about life in general and sharing hugs via text msg! She's the queen of txt!! LOL

If you are curious about second mile living... you can listen to the msg from Sunday: http://www.theheightsfellowship.org/blog/ then go to just for the record part 7. You can listen online or download the notes.

I hope you all have a fantabulous weekend!!

remember me?

2005-05-08T16:19:00.000-07:00

I just thought I would drop in and say hello!
Its been such a stinking long time since I posted, and posted something that didnt come from something else! I have applied for a ministry assistant position at a church and I HOPE HOPE HOPE and have PRAYED a whole lot that its where God wants me to be serving. I should find out something this week though!
That's really all the news I have at the moment!

hope you have a great week!!

2005-04-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered... "Where is God when.......?" I know that I struggle with that every now and then, wondering why I feel so alone in the midst of the struggles that life throws us. Even in the mundane events that make up my life, I know that the Lord is there and that He cares, but what is He doing? I received the following insight from a friend this morning and I thought I would share. I read it over several times, just to let it penetrate my heart.
Hope it touches you as well!!
Until next time, have a great day in the Lord!
Emily

He went unto the hills to pray. Mark 6:46

What does Jesus do while we are in the storm? You'll love this. He prays for us...

So where does that leave us? While Jesus is praying and we are in the storm, what are we to do? Simple. We do what the disciples did. We row...

Much of life is spent rowing....Getting out of bed. Fixing lunches....More struggle than strut.

--Max Lucado

my new favorite song

2005-04-20T00:30:00.000-07:00

Hide

words and music by Joy Williams, Jason Houser, and Matthew West

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the doorClosed their eyes
and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out
wherever you are

Anyone who's trying to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are and where you've been
His scars will heal you
if you let Him

A DREAMY problem!

2005-04-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

I hope this finds everyone having a wonderful week!

I am so excited that the weather is FINALLY warming up!! WOO HOO!!

Anyone have any thoughts about how to get re-occurring dreams outta sight? I keep having similar ones just about every night and its driving me up the wall!! I have tried reading before bed and that doesn’t seem to make a difference. I have also tried to make myself “not think about it” which is really an oxymoron! I pray myself to sleep every night in sincere hopes that I will NOT wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning with the same dream on my mind, but so far I STILL have the dream(s).
Any advice or prayer for this would be greatly appreciated. I almost feel silly asking for prayer for this, but its really bugging me!!!

The Irony of a funeral

2005-04-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

I went to my great uncle Albert’s funeral Saturday. It was a strange day to me. There’s a lot to be explained in that. Between the awkwardness of being around family that I really don’t know, I don’t even remember their names when I see them, and going to a funeral for a man that I seldom saw, certainly made the day a little rough. Besides the fact that funerals aren’t exactly a fun part of life that we all have to deal with at one time or another.

It was very hard to see some of my family. My brother walked into the viewing room Friday and I wanted to jump up and give him a hug, but knowing that it wouldn’t be all that well received, I stayed in my seat. I exchanged hugs with many family members, several of which seemed so very empty. You know what I am talking about, those hugs that you get from people that just seem lifeless, insincere, like it is a chore to embrace someone. I would much rather just shake your hand, really.
I saw my sweet Aunt Deffie, actually great aunt, my late Granny Mary’s sister. I saw her and almost cried, she looks so much like my Granny, even from behind, they even sound the same! That made me miss my Granny so very much, she is so dear to my heart and it hurts when I think of her not being here anymore! It was hard to see my dad mourn over his uncle. Even though I didn’t share much life with Uncle Albert, he did.

However, the absolute hardest thing for me was seeing Uncle Albert and how much my dad looks like him, As I walked by the coffin, it took everything in me not to burst into tears, I felt like I had a glimpse of my father in that coffin. I don’t know what else to say about that, other than it hurt and really scared me. To think about my dad not being here is very hard, obviously. Especially since there have been so many “close calls” with him in relation to his health. There’s so much of my life that I would like for him to be a part of that I fear that he won’t. I know that it isn’t like he is in really bad health right now, but I know that he has been steadily declining in health over the last several years. I know that I shouldn’t worry about what’s ahead for our family; I know that the Lord is sovereign and working in and through our lives, but every now and then my mind just wanders.

Another sad thing about the day was that there were so few people at the funeral. Im sure that my uncle touched more lives than were actually present, but it just made me think about my life and what I choose to invest myself in. Not like I am trying to have a "sell out" at my funeral, but just to think about what is most important in my life and how much time and effort I put into those things.

On a little lighter note, It was good to sit and be with family for a while. Even though we may not all know each other as much as we would like, there is a calmness, a solstice that is offered there within the "group". A connection that only a family can share.

Prayers for Grace Adiah

2005-04-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

There is a very sweet family I know that is expecting a baby girl in August. We don’t know how long Grace will be here on earth, but we do know that she was created for the same reason the rest of us were, to bring glory and honor to the Lord.

I would like everyone who reads this to stop for a moment and pray for little Grace and her family. Pray that her mommy and daddy will be strengthened in their marriage as they walk through this part of their life together. Pray also for wisdom as they prepare foe Grace’s birth.
Please pray also for their extended family to be anchors of support, encouragement and hope. They all need the comfort and love from the Lord and from each other!

something to think about.....

2005-03-29T09:06:00.000-08:00

“We all need forgiveness, we all get cleansed together, and none of us can believe our good fortune. God’s grace puts us all in the same boat. Believe me you don’t ever want to be in the position where someone else needs forgiveness and you don’t. I’ve been there and it’s no fun being alone.”
John Fischer

created in the image of God

2005-03-29T08:41:00.000-08:00

“to get you to think of yourself as on of God’s fame builders. You and I are formed from the dust of His creation and given breath for this reason: to spread His renown to everyone we meet by what we say and do. It’s the way we were made”
THE WAY I WAS MADE: WORDS & MUSIC FOR AN UNUSUAL LIFE Chris Tomlin

These words struck me this morning as I read them, they are the purpose of Chris Tomlin’s first book. I was looking over a few pages of the book online and its talking about how we were created by God, for God, etc.

I have been reading the Book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Needless to say, in one word, I AM CAPTIVATED by the book. I cannot even begin to tell you how much it has made me think about who I am as a young woman, a daughter of the King, a princess in the kingdom of God… yeah I could go on but I will spare you!
Im beginning to see more clearly the why of the longings in my heart, for ministry for relationships, even things at work.

I had a thought this morning as I rolled out of bed about Psalm 37:4 – Delight youself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart,
how can a person (including me) pray and ask for the desires of her heart be granted by the Lord when she doesn’t understand what her heart is truly longing for. I mean I know what I think I want, but until I fully understand how God made me, as a woman, how HE designed my heart and the longings therein I don’t think I can fully even KNOW what to pray for. The book has been very refreshing to look at my life with the perspective of ‘hey maybe I act the way I do, not because I am weird, but because I have been created to think like I do because that’s how God made me, as a woman, a beautiful, magnificent creation!”

THE TOP TEN!

2005-03-22T15:14:00.000-08:00

I “stole” this idea off a message board and I thought it was cute so here it is without further ado……

THE TOP TEN REASONS TO DATE EMILY!

10. I love the smell of coffee, but I don’t like to drink it

9. I think the coyote should win, just once.. Then again, if he did win once that would be all it would take.

8. .I would give Trix to the rabbit

7. I know how to check my own oil and fill it.

6. I love music, anytime, anyplace. It’s a necessity to my daily life.

5. I’m a good listener.

4. I can cook (and yes, more than Ramen!)

3. I am NOT high maintenance.

2. I love rubber duckies!

1. I have a sexy voice! Just ask the guy in California!

MY FIRST SONOGRAM!!

2005-03-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

NO! Im not pregnant you goobers!

But I did make you look! HA! HA!
I had to go to the hospital on Tuesday to have a sonogram on my leg because they thought I might have a blood clot. What should have been a fairly simple walk in the Imaging Center, do the 10 min test, get results, go back to work situation turned into an all day affair! LOOOONG story short, I wound up having to go to the ER and stay there for about 5 hours to have the test done, which yes, included a “lovely” IV. Umm can you say OUCH! I hate those things! Anyway, PRAISE THE LORD! I don’t have a clot, but my doc still doesn’t understand why my leg is swelling so much, its really kinda scary to look at!
I have to say that it is NO fun being in the ER ALONE! I don’t recommend it! But hey, I suppose I can add it to the list of crazy things that life has brought my way and I have managed to survive!

I have been thinking a lot about the song…. Blessed be the name of the Lord lately, especially the part that says “ you give and take away, you give and take away, but my heart will choose to say Blessed be the name of the Lord” those words are a little hard for me to say right now, life deals an ugly hand sometimes, but look at those words again, my heart will CHOOSE to say….. It IS a choice to Bless the name of the Lord, to thank Him for the good and the BAD. God doesn’t NEED us, to bless His name, to worship Him, etc. but He desires us to do so…. To be so madly in love with Him that we desire to bless and thank Him with our whole hearts.

Just hearing that song almost brings me to tears to think about, I really have to stop, think, and CHOOSE how I want to respond to the Lord when things get rough. When I am afraid of what the future holds, when I am angry because I am tired of feeling crappy, when I just want to walk out of my job because I am sick of being degraded by the boss…. Those are the times when I want to CHOOSE to glorify the Lord, in my speech, attitude, reaction and praise! It kind of makes me think of this kinda cheesy song… Praise him in the morning, praise him in the evening praise him at suppertime!! Its true though, we need to be praising Him ALL the time, its tough though, Ill be the first one to admit it, but I also have to say that it’s the best way to take the attention off of ourselves and what we are going through and point our focus upward!

Sunday thoughts

2005-03-13T19:18:00.000-08:00

Lost and empty is the way that I feel
The sad part about that is I cannot actually pinpont why I feel that way.
I desire so much more of my life, I desire friends so very much that it makes my heart hurt sometimes. I know, in my head that God is the perfect friend and companion, counselor, comforter.... and since I know all that, then why do I still struggle so much with wanting MORE? I dont understand myself sometimes. I dont understand why I think the way that I do or say or act the way I do. I feel like I dont know this person that I inhabit. I feel like I cannot be myself at work due to the situation that I am in, I become so quiet and just "there" not being able to express anything that I am thinking, I cant be funny, or let any of my personality shine through and now I feel like that is coming through other parts of my life. I even feel like that when I am talking to my mom and my best friend, like I have gotten so used to being quiet and reserved at work, that I am like that all the time. I cant live like this, I feel like I am losing my identity because of my job! WOW, sorry I just had to stop and think a little.... that last sentence just struck me when I wrote it, that's the most sense I have been able to make out of the way I feel in weeks!

somedays I wonder, other days I find myself at your feet
somedayS I slumber others my heart's complete at 1 I'm running , at 2 Im crawling Im still up and down as my heart falls short once again

I KNOW THAT YOU ARE CONSTANT, STEADY AND UNCHANGING
SO TAKE THIS BROKEN HEART AND DO SOME REARRANGING 'CAUSE I LOSE SOME OF MY SENSES WHEN MY HEART'S WALKING FENCES, I WANT TO BE MORE LIKE YOU CONSTANTLY

Somedays I 've got it all together, other days I can't find my head
Some days I can brave the weather Others I'm weak instead, at 1 Im standing, at 2 I fall flat on my face Im still up and down as my heart falls short once again.

I KNOW THAT YOU ARE CONSTANT, STEADY AND UNCHANGING
SO TAKE THIS BROKEN HEART AND DO SOME REARRANGING 'CAUSE I LOSE SOME OF MY SENSES AS MY HEART'S WALING FENCES, I WANT TO BE MORE LIKE YOU CONSTANTLY
I WANT TO BE MORE LIKE YOU CONSTANTLY
CONSTANTLY

That's a song from MONK AND NEAGLE called CONSTANT
It really does a great job of how I feel most of the time, I guess I am searching for that CONSTANT- the unchanging things in my life, I feel like there arent very many that are... God's really the ONLY thing that is, I have some people that are consistant some of the time. But there is a difference between consistent and constant to me. There are so many things that I feel like I can only tell certain people... I feel like I cant tell EVERYTHING to friends, I cant tell EVERYTHING to my mother, you know, I would just like to have someone with skin on that I can talk to about EVERYTHING that I am going through, who would just listen and love and accept me, even when all I am doing is whining!!
Is that too much to ask? Where is this person, and why is that person so stinking hard to find?

I feel like all I am doing is complaining about how much I NEED this and that, but its what is on my heart at the moment and that is what I wanted to have this blog for, so that I could express what is on my heart and in my head. It may not be the most uplifting thing to read all the time, or the funniest. But its me, being real, being random, and sharing me.

There have been several reminders to me over the last week to focus on the good in my life, and the things that I am doing for the Lordor rather, He is allowing me to help with. Like with our small group, God is really blessing the group. We are seeing fruit and God is growing us in number and in a spiritual sense as well. I have also had the blessing of working with the Childcare at our church. I am falling in love with those little ones, they are so precious, even when they wont stop crying!! Those things are not about me, or to pat me on the back, but to simply state that the Lord is at work in my life and for whatever reason pouring Himself through me in some areas of ministry. I am truly thankful for these opporunities to serve..... I would just like to do MORE for the LORD!

ME, being completely random

2005-03-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a hot air balloon? to soar above the world and see it from way up there.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a Hummer? To intimidate the fellow vehicles, as you whiz by?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be invisible? To be in a room and hear and see things, and no one know that you are there? What secrets to life might you find out? or would you find any answers?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a bug, constantly suandering to get out of people's/ things way so as not to be squashed?

Would you like to swing on a star carry moon beams home in a jar?

Have you ever wondered why you loved someone so much that it hurts when they arent around?

Have you ever wondered what color you would be if God had made you a color instead of a person?

What animal would you be if you were one instead of a person?

Have you ever wondered why there are so many things that just dont make any sense at all?

will it ever make sense?

2005-03-03T19:25:00.000-08:00

Why is it that I can sing the words “ all I want is You, all I need is You, I’m holding on to the center of Your love,’ cause everything reminds me of You Ill open up because your always enough. Your everything to me I’m nothing without You, You are everything that I love ‘cause there’s no love without You, and every part of me cries for YOU.”

I believe them, they lift my spirits when I roll the words off of my lips, but why is it in those times of loneliness and deep sorrow and of fear for what is to come in my life, those icky situations that I just can’t get out of, a lot of which are simply beyond my control…. Why is it in those times that it seems like God isn’t enough? I mean I know that He is always there, I know that He cares about what I am struggling with, I know that my prayers aren’t bouncing off of the ceiling. He’s sitting right there beside me on my bed when I am crying myself to sleep at night. But why does it not feel like that? Is it just because I want to have someone next to me with skin on? I long so much for more friendships in my life, godly relationships that I can share life with and call in the middle of the night when the tears just won’t stop flowing. I KNOW THAT GOD IS ENOUGH, BUT WHY DO I DESIRE MORE? I feel like I am contradicting myself right now, but this is exactly how I feel.

I know that I have one friend that I can talk to and she is so so so so so DEAR and special to my heart, I love her so very much. But I feel like I put so much on her all the time, like I am a burden to her. She has never said anything about it of course; she’s too sweet to do that! I just don’t want her to be the only friend that I rely on. I don’t want to burn her with my problems. I am extremely thankful for her and I cherish my friendship, but Im sure she could use a break!

.There is one person that I am missing a lot lately. I wish so much that we could be friends again. I feel like I may have blown it by something that I did, but I apologized, I tried to “erase” what I said, but I don’t think that it really did any good. I miss just hanging out and sharing life with him, I miss the way that we would make each other laugh and how we could talk for hours about nothing. I could use a little blue skies smiling on me again!

My head and my heart is filled with so many questions that I feel like I am going to explode! I desire so much more of my life than what it is right now. I feel like there are so many desires in my heart that are just waiting to burst out, but they don’t have the opportunity to do so. I don’t have any idea if that makes any sense to anyone else? I fell like I have desires that have been placed in my life from the Lord, I know they have been put there by Him, I know this because some of them are crazy, even to me, but I know that I want them. I desire to serve the Lord in ministry- so why can’t I find somewhere to do that? Why am I in a job where it brings out the worst in me and I am not using any of the gifts and abilities that the Lord has given me? Why am I so miserable there if that is where I am supposed to be? I just want things to make sense.

the important stuff

2005-02-23T21:41:00.000-08:00

I have learned a lot about myself lately. God has taken me back and reminded me of some things that He has told me many times before that I had placed farther back in my mind than I have really realized.

Contentment can ONLY come from Him. He is the LORD and HE is ENOUGH!!!
He longs for EVERY part of my life to be hopelessly devoted to Him. I want Him to be my one magnificent obsession. I want my thoughts and actions to reflect that HE is my everything!
Callings that He has placed on my life..... ministry wise and for future relationships.
How big my heart is for worship- to learn more about it, the theology, the actions, the elements.... I got out of my search for these things, and my passion for it had fallen a little to the side of my brain for a little while, but I am realizing that my hunger for learning and absorbing passion for WORSHIP is beginning to rise up in me! and I am pretty excited about it!
I AM CONSTANTLY AMAZED WITH THE THINGS OF GOD!

God has directed my life in so many ways that I cannot fully comprehend. I "get" some of it, but then other things He chooses not to reveal to me at least not yet anyway, and me being the planner and control freak that I know I have a tendency to be has to step back sometimes and just realize that He sees the BIG PICTURE! I just need to jump on board the TRUST IN GOD train and enjoy the ride!

I am still having a really really hard time finding contentment in my job, I know that I will not be there forever, but it' s really hard to be there. Every time I look at my boss I literally get nautious and its really wearing on my emotions and being stressed doesnt help ANYTHING in my life, especially my health. I am trying to rely on the Lord, reminding myself that He IS in control. He knows the longings of my heart and where I desire to be in life career wise,
He placed the desire for ministry in my heart and my pastor, Mike, says it best, "E, you can't run from a calling". Im not running from it, Im running frantically to find out where I am supposed to be!!!
LORD, HELLO, I AM READY FOR YOU TO SHOW ME!!

and lastly, only because it is so STINKIN' SPECIAL! ----------
My roomie!
What an AMAZING blessing Heather has been over the last month, well actually since July! But this last month has been a tough one for me, just through searching myself, figuring out God's will for other areas of my life, going through beginnings and endings, she has been a CONSTANT in my life. She has listened for countless hours, loved on me, offered advice, words of encouragement, made me cry and made me laugh. She has lifted me up in prayer and genuinely been concerned about me and how my day is going!
I love you Heather and I thank the Lord for you every day!
I hope that I am as much of a friend to you as you are to me!

what is the condition of YOUR heart?

2005-02-15T09:10:00.000-08:00

Condition of the Heart
by John Fischer

Yesterday I wore a heart monitor for 24 hours. It’s a little unit the size of a Walkman that was strapped around my waist with seven cords plugged into it, each one attached to an electrode taped somewhere on my chest. The little monitor has a battery-powered computer chip in it that records every heartbeat for 24 hours so that the doctor can check the behavior of my heart over the course of an average day. With a bulky sweater on, no one could tell anything, but once in a while I felt a little like the bionic man.
Every time I thought of all this paraphernalia strapped to me, I couldn’t help but think of the spiritual sense in which my heart is being monitored all day, all the time. “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7) God’s got a lifetime, 24-hour heart monitor attached to each one of us and He knows our condition at any given time.
Spiritually speaking, out heart condition is a very complex matter. The Bible says our hearts are deceitful and desperately wicked and the situation is worse than we can ever know (Jeremiah 17:9). But our hearts can also love God and desire to please Him. David was known to have had a heart after God even when he was blowing it. One thing’s for sure, only God can fully know our hearts. “But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives” (Jeremiah 17:10).
This knowledge is both chilling and comforting at the same time. Chilling, because God knows the worst about us, but comforting in that He seems to accept the good desire of our hearts even when our performance is less than perfect.
In the movie “Friday Night Lights,” a true story about a high school football team of no-names in Odessa, Texas that came within a foot of winning the state championship, the coach was recorded as demanding perfection from every player at the beginning of the season. Then during halftime of the championship game, when they were behind, and playing way over their heads even at that, he revealed what he meant by “perfect.” Perfect meant walking off the field, win or lose, knowing they gave every last ounce of what they had to give, which was exactly what they went out and did. The unspoken conclusion of the movie was that even though they lost, everyone on that team knew they had been “perfect.”
None of us can live a perfect life and be acceptable to God without relying on Christ and what He has done for us on the cross. But that doesn’t mean we don’t get out there and give life everything we’ve got. The team that was perfect was all heart. I don’t think we can assume Christ’s perfection with anything less.
___________________________________________________________________
This is a devotional that I read this morning that I felt like sharing. It really struck me.... the part about what it really means to be "perfect". I know what we were created to bring pleasure to God through worshiping Him and living our lves for Him and His glory, but how cool it is to think that when we are giving our best to the Lord, that's what perfect worship is!

2005-02-13T15:20:00.000-08:00

just feeling a little BLUE

2005-02-11T13:34:00.000-08:00

It’s been a while since I have felt loneliness like I am feeling today. I have talked to people via email, but you know how it is and it simply isn’t the same. It seemed like things were so much simpler just a week ago, well in some areas anyway. I certainly wasn’t lonely in any aspect. So what’s the key to fighting feeling so lonely? Finding contentment in the Lord, surrounding myself with the people that I love and that love me? Staying busy? A hobby? I sure don’t have an answer to the question, but I really wish that I did.
I am really missing my friends that I don’t get to see, well that would be MOST of my friends actually! It just really stinks to feel alone. Sorry that I am just rambling and whining about this subject, but I just needed to talk and get it off of my chest, even if no one reads this!

2005-02-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

thisweekend

2005-01-30T21:23:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I just had an amazing weekend. I went home to see mom and dad and another family in Seminole that are like parents to me. They all got to meet Tyler! That went really well. Then we went to Klondike to see his parents. And despite my nervousness, that turned out great too! You know you can learn so much about a person when they are at home with the fam. I was very impressed with Tyler because he was the same Tyler as he is with me or with a group of friends, or with total strangers! I feel like I know more about his character and that makes me smile!
I am glad to be home though! I was “REMINDED” tonight that my roomie hasn’t seen me hardly at all over the last few weeks without a certain someone around being an “Emily hog” so tonight has been really fun just hanging out watching girly shows and talking! You are a blessing Heather!
All in all it has been a great weekend and I am ready for the week ahead, well minus work anyway! GO FIGURE!
I have applied for a job that has really sparked my interest…. So I would appreciate the prayers!
Its good to be alive…. Feel the wind at my back…….. see the blue in the skies!

GRACE

2005-01-27T15:30:00.000-08:00

God woke me up early this morning and all I could do was sit in His presence in a spirit of worship. I tried reading my devo. but I couldnt concentrate because of the Lord screaming at me to come and just sit in His wonderful presence to worship Him.
There were specifics to be thankful for, I have to admit, mainly the new love in my life, but there is so much more than I feel I can share here.

As I sat in His presence I couldn't help but think about His grace. How sweet, how pure. Grace- just one of the mysteries that I wont ever fully be able to comprehend while I am on this earth. I just hope I can at least be open enough to God's guidance to allow Him to use me to show a little grace to someone else, if He ever decided to do so.

Grace, Grace..... God's Grace..... Grace that will pardon and cleanse within, Grace that is GREATER than all our sin.

God I pray that you would make me a vessel of your precious grace to those around me everyday!

WOW!

2005-01-20T09:15:00.000-08:00

I feel like my life has been flipped upside down over the last 6 days! I know I sound like a giddy little 13 yr old…. But its true… I met a guy and we are dating and it is fantabulous! Who would have thought that in the middle of the busyness of my life and kicking of a new ministry, being in a fairly new job, would the Lord throw, no HURL this amazing guy into my life?
I am certainly in no way shape or form complaining, but sometimes I just laugh at God’s sense of humor and the wonder of His logic. In my logic and thought process, Tyler and I should NOT be dating, we should be very casual friends, and after all, that’s how I wanted to meet the “next guy” in my life. MY plan was to be really great friends with him and then EASE into a dating relationship if that is where the Lord was leading us. This is the part where I think God laughed at ME and MY plans. Tyler came over one night, when our small group was supposed to be there, but SOMEHOW he was the ONLY one who showed up. We wound up going to Chili’s and had a GREAT time, he was so easy to talk to and I felt like we instantly connected. We spent the rest of the evening talking, laughing, and learning about one another. By the end of the evening we both new that SOMETHING was going on between us. Yeah cupid had struck! Out of NOWHERE, Neither one of us expected anything to happen or especially that fast, but I know its all from the LORD, we both do. We both have a deep peace about our relationship and what God has in store for us! So if you think of me, I would appreciate your prayers for the Lord to completely saturate our lives as individuals and as a couple!

Another Day?

2005-01-15T10:42:00.000-08:00

I had a great evening last night! It was supposed to be a time for everyone in our small group to come over and just hang out but instead the only one that showed up was Tyler, which by NO means was a "bad" situation, So we went to dinner and I "happened" ( I know it was totally God!) to run into an old friend of mine at Chili's. It was great to see her. We played catch up a little bit on where we are now, talked about life, spiritual stuff and where the Lord is leading both of us into ministries and opening doors. Ot was great to have someone genuinely interested in what was going on in my life and not just the "surface" stuff, but what's "really" going on. Im so thankful that I ran into her, it was a huge blessing when I needed one!

It's amazing what can happen in the course of one evening! (I'll share more about this later!)

here's to new friends!

2005-01-14T18:40:00.000-08:00

I had a great evening on Thursday, I went out to dinner with a new friend that I met through my time not having a job! She is actually coming to church with me and came to the Singles group the other night. She is really a great girl and I look forward to getting to know her better!
Im really thankful for new friendships that I feel are blossoming through the small group. I know that we have only met once, but I know that GOD is in total and complete control of it all and I know that HE knows what each one of us needs to be to one another. It's about community and building that around the Lord is what we are aiming for!

Right now I am actually waiting at home for a bunch of the group to comeover and hang out! One of the guys emailed me the next day because he was so excited about the group that he just wanted to get together and hang out sometime this weekend!

GOD IS DEFINITELY WORKING!!

Take a moment to thank the Lord for the friends that you have now and for the ones that He is working at incoporating into your life right now!!

AMAZED...

2005-01-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

Although I guess I shouldn't be so much, God answered a long time prayer and heart cry that I have had for over a year now..... To grow the Single's small group. Isn't it ironic how we ask for things in Faith and then when God makes it happen we are utterly amazed?
We had 7 new great people come last night to the house. We had a great time of worship, Bible study, and fellowship. Everyone was very warm to each other, they were talkative during the discussions, it was a dream come true, wait, scratch that, it was an incredible answer to prayer!

Please continue to pray for us as we seek to honor God in our lives and our group!

THANK YOU LORD FOR SHOWING UP AND SHOWING OFF!

any dream interpreters out there?

2005-01-08T15:05:00.000-08:00

I had this crazy dream last night and it has been bugging me all day long.
to help with some background, my ex b/f is Todd.....
the guy that I am crushing on lately is Mike........
here goes,
I am out on a date with Mike, it is going really well, it is our first date, we eat and go to a park and spend the evening talking and just getting to know one another. We are sitting on a park bench sitting a little close, and he asks me if he can kiss me, I tell him no, politely and that is pretty much all I remember about the scenes with Mike and I on the date.
In the meantime, I am having flachbacks to the first date that Todd and I had. See Mike and I wound up at the same park in the same area and the same bench and I was asked the same question and gave the same response.
The last thing I remember about the dream is trying to interpret it, like while I am still asleep, I wanted to know why Mike was reminding me of Todd, was it a warning that Mike would wind up being just like Todd so I need to steer clear if that is the case, Or did I just think of Todd because Mike and Todd have similar hair styles, (yeah I know that's really goofy, but its a dream remember!)

I realy want to give up on trying to figure all this out, but for some reason I just can't shake it.

I would love any views on this.....

whipped by a guy I dont really even know.......

2005-01-06T20:44:00.000-08:00

yeah and it really stinks. but at the same time it is kinda fun. I love the sound of his voice when he calls the office. He sounds so sweet and gentle which seems really strange since he is talking about computers and modems!
Its crazy how easily this guy has gotten under my skin and into my thoughts. I dont know hardly anything about him other than his name, where he works, what he drives, the girl in my office that drives me up the wall, has the very same effect on him as well. Oh and I know that he has never worn a wedding ring in my presence!
I dont really know what to do about the way I feel, I don't like the idea of pursuing a guy very much, I want to be the Princess that is worth fighting for. But I sure dont mind being in control and therefore knowing more about what might happen next!
I suppose I will continue to rely on God for all of this, *sigh. I know it is the only way that this would ever work so I might as well leave this one in His hands from the get go!

giddiness.....

2005-01-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

I dont have a clue if that is a real word or not, but I know that I am extremely giddy about a boy right now. His name is Mike. I cannot figure out why I am so attracted to him. Don't get me wrong, he is very handsome and has a very sweet smile and a gentle voice. However I have never actually had a "real" conversation with the guy, but I want to, I REALLY WANT TO. I am sitting at home right now for lunch and he is sitting at my computer at work trying to fix some things. I just want to get to know him, hang out with him and find out who he really is. Odds aren't exactly in my favor to do that, but I guess a girl can dream can't she.
I am trying to remind myself that if we are meant to strike up a conversation or something it will happen at just the perfect time.
Its just hard to not be in control sometimes!

ooooooooops I did it again

2005-01-04T19:16:00.000-08:00

Greetings, I know how lazy I am at updating this, but sometimes I think, what's the point because to my knowledge, Heather is the only one who reads it and I talk to her everyday. ANYWAYS, I have to say that I am ready for the sun to come out tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow, your'e only a day AAAAAAway! It has been foggy all stinkin' day and I am very sick of it. YUCKO SMUCKO!

I was thinking back on last year, since the pages on the calendar have started all over again. It is hard and depressing to think back at all the things that happened to me and my family last year. I know that I should focus on the good and how God always showed His faithfulness in my life, but it is hard sometimes to really get into that frame of mind.

I have really been kicking myself lately over my walk with God, it just feels so non existent sometimes, I hate that so very much. I hope that it gets better soon though.

2005-01-04T17:23:00.000-08:00

guess where Ill be tomorrow night! LOVIN IT!

what r u?

2004-12-22T19:42:00.000-08:00

Daisy

Which Flower Are You?
brought to you by

2004-12-18T13:32:00.000-08:00

gift giving

2004-12-17T06:35:00.000-08:00

Gift of service: Warm a cold heart with a warm blanket. Price: $35.00.
Gift of encouragement: Take flowers to a friend battling cancer. Price: $50.00.
Gift of leadership: Lead a group into a terrain they have never traveled before. Price of gas and lunch for 20: $300.

Gift of Christ to your next-door neighbor: Priceless.

Christmas is all about gift giving—making lists of gifts, purchasing gifts, wrapping gifts, giving gifts and opening gifts (and probably returning some). All of this is because of one priceless gift given to the human race two thousand years ago—the gift of God’s Son. And this gift came about as the result of God’s unfathomable mercy and grace. He did not have to do this. Nothing in us required it. He decided to be merciful to His own creation made in His image—all of us having turned our backs on Him and gone our own way.

Somehow we got fortunate. It’s definitely not because we’re cute. There is no merit here—nothing we deserve. Grace is getting what you don’t deserve; mercy is not getting what you do deserve. We have been given both. We don’t deserve anything from God except punishment for our sins, and what did He do? His mercy up and cancelled the punishment so His grace could give us life. Two priceless gifts. One awesome God. What can we do except be filled with gratitude and mimic His gift giving to the extent of our creativity and our resources.

And while we’re at it, let’s think of a spiritual gift we can give, too, based on what has been given to us. Regardless of our material resources, we all are rich in spiritual ones. Give this some thought. Think of your spiritual gift and how you might turn it into an intentional present for someone this Christmas season. Make it something you can plan and accomplish as a deliberate act. Put a bow around it if needs be.

Christmas is spiritual, full of gifts and gift giving. Let’s not forget to give the gift of Christ to someone this Christmas. It’s priceless.

John Fischer is the Senior Writer for Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotionals. He resides in Southern California with his wife and son. John is also a published author and songwriter.

ode to the students out there!

2004-12-13T23:08:00.000-08:00

'Twas the Night Before Finals
T'was the night before finals, And all through the college,

The students were praying For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds,

While visions of essays Danced in their heads.

Out in the sports field, There were some throwing,

In hope that some exercise Would get their brains going.

In my own apartment, I had been pacing, Dreading all those exams I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books,

And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee,

And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were all muddy,

My eyes went a'blur, I just couldn't study. "Some pizza might help," I

said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver.

I'd pretty much concluded Life is unfair and cruel,

Since our futures all depend On grades made in school.

When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put-It-Off Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless, Her manner was mellow,

She looked at the mess And started to bellow:

"Why should us students Make such a fuss, About what those teachers Toss out to us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year's Exams!

On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered, She vanished from sight,

But we heard her laughing Outside in the night.

"Your teachers won't flunk you, So just do your best.

Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

the beauty of simplicity....

2004-12-12T20:00:00.000-08:00

I had the pure joy of cradling and caring for a sweet little six month old boy named Logan this afternoon. He is so precious, he cried only one time in an entire 4 hour period!
I settled into a rocking chair to feed him and rocked away until he drifted off to sleep. Logan looked so sweet lying in my arms, very content, with not a care in the world. As I gazed at his little face and held him securely, I almost drifted off to dreamland. It was as if the world just went away for a while, nothing in the other room mattered, there was no other task that was calling my name, no phone remotely close to answer. It was just the two of us!
It was so good to hold someone in my arms that needed me. It’s nice to be needed now and again, even if it is from a child who doesn’t even realize that he is so needy!
I can’t say that Logan loves me, well not YET anyway, but I can say that it felt divine to be in that moment with a little child, so beautiful and so simple.
Thank you Lord for the beauty in the warmth and tenderness of a child!

just curious..

2004-12-11T19:27:00.000-08:00

2004-12-11T19:26:00.000-08:00

FAITHFULNESS

2004-12-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

I will have to admit, the last year or so has been really hard in my life. I have been tested in many different areas of my life. Relationships, family, health, finances; I could go on forever and a half. I still don’t really understand why all the things that have happened in my life or with the people who are close to me have happened. It seems like it is an ongoing battle taking its toll on every part of my being, especially my emothins. Most days I reach the point of absolutely wanting to give up.
But with each new day there is a little ray of hope, and yes sometimes that ray is far too faint to see with the naked eye. It takes “God eyes” to see it. That’s where the Faith comes in.
I may not always be able to feel God, but I always KNOW that He is FAITHFUL.
The most recent example of God’s faithfulness came over the weekend and today. I finally got a job today!! Well God provided me with a job!! I was so ready to give up and throw in the towel, when literally within a matter of hours, I received a call for an interview, went to the interview and 20 min. later, I was a new employee! It happened so fast that it still feels surreal to me....

I know that getting this job will not solve all of my problems, but it will certainly contribute to the end of a lot of frustrations and worry!

THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS AND NEVER LETTING THIS LITTLE GIRL GO FROM YOUR HAND!

Thanksgiving

2004-12-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

I had a really strange Thanksgiving. Dont get me wrong, it was good to be home for a few days, although it never seems to fail that I get sick while I am there. My mom thinks it is something in the air like oil or cotton, whatever it is I dont like it.

This was also the first time that I have been home since my little dog Krissi went to doggie heaven. That was really hard for me, I kept walking to the back door to see if she wanted in or I would almost call her when I was in the other room. I miss her a lot! She was the absolute best dog I have ever been around and she LOVED to snuggle with me!

Thursday was good we had a low-carb Thanksgiving feast. Yes it is possible and it was actully very very good! I had my first go at making an almost sugar free version of my favorite pir (Cherry Cream Cheese!) and it turned out very yummy! That night my best friend Christie came and rescued me from my house and we went out cruising the wild streets of Seminole! OOOOH YEAH THE EXCITEMENT!! LOL! Anyway I get in the car and she tells me that our friend Lindsey is now engaged and I almost wet my pants from the shock. Lindsey was one of the girls in our Youth Group who became like a little sister to me. I used to watch out for her and tried to help guide her away from things that she shouldnt be doing. Anyway, I got to see Linds and her ring, oh yeah and her fiance Cory. I told her that there was something wron with this picture, after all she had just turned 19 the day before and I am 23! I cant really say that I am excited for her. I think I am more concerned for her than anything. All I keep thinking is that she doesn't know what she is thinking and doesnt know what the "real world" is like yet and how hard it will be. But I cant change anything. I can just pray that she will find strength through all this and grow up real quick!

I also got to see 2 other guys that I hung out with some that were in the Youth Group. They are now Sophmores in college, and yes that makes me feel very old! When I see them, I just sit and wonder what God has in store for their lives!

Friday I got up way way way too early to get some hot deals for Christmas at the area stores. You know those get up way too early, go to the store without completely fixing your hair, dont wear any make up because you only got a few hours of sleep sales! That usually turns out to be somehting kind of funny because in Seminole, for some of the women this is the ONLY time you will EVER see them like that!

THen I spent most of the day trying to catch up on sleep!

Saturday I went through my old room and tried to organize it into keep and chunk! My parents are moving hopefully sometime in the near future and so I had to go through all that stuff. I would have to say that it was a little hard to do that. I found all sorts of sentimental things that I have collected over the years. Its always hard to see the things that my grandparents gave me when I was little, or things that I brought home from there houses after they took their journey into Heaven. I don't remember much of my childhood, but I do remember some of the "stuff".

Sunday I traveled back home after making my first batch of homemade chili! I have to say that it turned out pretty dang good!! It was good to be back in Lubbock. I missed it. I never thought that I would feel at home anywhere else outside of Seminole or the house that I grew up in, but I do miss Lubbock, the house here, and my ROOMIE!

That's how I spent my Thanksgiving vacation!

I want my own sexy man of GOD!

2004-11-23T16:40:00.000-08:00

I watched a great movie over the weekend called Raising Helen. There is a minister in the movie who turns out to be the love interest for Helen, the main character. I know that this is far from the main point of the movie, but through the scenes with the minister that was pursuing Helen, I was reminded of something.
A few years ago God called me to be a minister’s wife. Most people don’t know that about me. I tend to get a lot of very strange looks from people when I share that with them. I am not embarrassed by this in the least, but you know how it is when you share something that is personal like that and you get those really strange looks it can have a tendency to turn you off to sharing that tid-bit very often. Anyway, there is a scene in the movie where he leans in to kiss Helen and she turns away saying that it is just awkward. Then the best line of the movie comes forth. He replies by saying......

“I am a sexy man of God and I know it”.

(and he smiled very sweetly!)
I LOVE THAT SOOOO STINKING MUCH!!
He knows that he can be attractive and be a godly man!! Can I just tell you how much I am looking forward to having that man in my life!! I can hardly wait! It was so refreshing to see that in a movie! And yes, he did “get the girl” and they even managed not to sleep together nor did they spend all night in the same room making out!! (yes this is a REAL movie!!)
I felt so great after watching the movie (the whole movie was fabulous) but it was nice to be reminded of what God has called me to and knowing that He will carry it out in His time! When I get depressed and start feeling sorry for myself because I don’t have a guy in my life, I can just think back to that line and remember that my sexy man of God is out there!!

SAAWEEEEEET!!

2004-11-16T19:40:00.000-08:00

I just had to tell everyone that I had the immense pleasure of savoring 2 yummy KRISPY KREME doughnuts this past Sunday!! So what right? Well it was a big day for me since I have not had a doughnut in several months due to being diagnosed with Diabetes. I woke up Sunday and my blood suger (B.S. for short!) was low enough to get a doughnut!!!

YIPPPEEEE!

I know this may sound really silly but if you had to adjust your entire lifestyle because of what you can and cannot eat at certain times of the day, you'd understand. I just pray for many days that I am able to eat a doughnut or two, and not just for the goodies, but for the healing of this disease!!

Whats a girl to do

2004-11-16T07:30:00.000-08:00

I have applied for a really great position at a local church and I had my first interview there yesterday. I have no doubt that this is the area of Ministry that God wants me to be a part of. It would be an awesome opportunity! There is one catch. It is only a 25 hour/ week position, therefore I would, in reality not be making enough money, at least I dont think I would be. One of the reasons that I quit my other job was so I could be somewhere that I could get health insurance. Being part time at the church, I wouldn't get any insurance. yadda yadda yadda
I guess the hardest part of all this is that I want to be a ministry assistant and I know that is what God has called me to do, but I just want it now and I want it to be perfect in my eyes, AKA, with insurance and enough hours....and enough money.

I suppose its another one of those lessons in learning how to get in line with God and HIS plan instead of shoving Him into what my plans are.

I know that the old show title is right..... "Father knows best" Now all I have to do is put my logical thinking aside and allow the Father to lead me into the way He wants me to go! Its just really hard sometimes!

?God of Wonders?

2004-11-11T21:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, well a lot actually, I just don't get God. I have been looking for a job for months now and it has been the hardest job I have done in a very long time. It has proven to be an absolute emotional rollercoaster. Just when I feel like I have a wonderful opportunity at something that I am at least willing to test the waters in, I don't get a call back or the spot has been filled yadda yadda yadda.
I think that the hardest thing for me through all of this is the fact that God has called me into the Ministry and I can't figure out where He wants me to be. I suppose that the answer to this dilemma sounds a little simple, you know. like I shoud just be able to pray enough and let God open the door for me. I know that this is true deep in my heart but its just really hard sometimes to let that sink into my everyday life.

I suppose that this is just one of those times where I just wait. I do what I need to do on my end of the rope and continue to lay this at God's feet.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that sometimes I just don't understand God. I know He knows what is absolutely the best for me and in HIS time He will provide just what I need and just exactly what He has called me to.

STUFF

2004-11-05T19:10:00.000-08:00

Random, that is how I would describe the thoughts that I have sometimes.

I am a thinker and I like talking to people who like to think.

I can't pin point all the things that I think about, but there are a lot of very random things that run through my brain at various points during the day and into the night.

I started this blog as a way to actually outwardly express some of the randomness that runs through my brain.

Thanks for stopping by.

Have a blessed day!

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